The scary future

After a very long time, today was the day I came face to face with my ex. I was resolute that I would not cry, and why should i , i was almost over him, but the fact that i ended up with a bottle of wine on the way back is an indication of how much am I really over him, so i decided to pour my thoughts in words to see how much sense do I really make today.

Am I sad that it is over? I am sad and glad. Much later when I came to know the real guy, it was a difficult suffocating period, so the sad part would be not judging him correctly and the glad part is that it’s over. In a lot of ways i see myself as blessed that I did not end up marrying the guy i was reluctant to marry, coz i would have stayed married, and now that I understand him better, we both would be unhappy.

Was it an ego thing that he was over me. A month ago, that would have been an issue, but not anymore. I realized that it will hurt me a little in terms of competition if he dated before i did, but then i made peace that he will date before i did anyways. It is his city and he has lots of friends to hang out with, while i just moved here and still struggling to find a foothold. Either way we are not meant to be together and that’s fine.

What really did hurt was the way he discarded me like a used piece of tissue paper. I know we are over, we were long over, but I always felt and did cherish that once we were together and did share some great memories, trips with each other, something that we both can’t erase. The fact that he called me someone who is good only for weekend fun did hurt, but he has a right to an opinion. The thing that pierced me like a dagger was how insignificant I had always been to him.

After we broke up, we went together for a coffee on his birthday coz its a special day. I know that he will not return the favor despite the fact that i have no one in the city, but to begin with i did not take him for coffee, to cozy up to him or pave way for a future birthday celebration for me. *the truth is when we were dating, all it took was a drop of water for him to shout and spoil the day for me.* But, i was really sick and knowing him as a person, thought that he would care. I knew no one in the city and was falling due to weakness and called him for help. He cut the call and messaged back in leisure hours later. That cut me to shreds. It did make me feel better when he told that the phone was in jacket and he had just not seen the call, but then he did remind me that we are not in a relationship and i should not expect him to drop things for him.

He is completely right. The mistake is mine to expect anything from him, and i guess i cherish our past together more than he does or ever did. Maybe because there was a time we did care for each other, I thought i could count on him in my hour of need. The way he sees it is that if needed he would help me but it is a favor, and that thought breaks me.

I moved cities, changed jobs, cooked, cleaned and what not for this doomed relationship and to be called a favor he would do if needed felt as if someone had unloaded tonnes of bricks on me. But, I think i really needed to hear it. The relationship was prized for me, not for him. That’s why he never bothered to take me on a date, or cancel any plans with friends for me. It just hurts when the sparkling diamond of your life, turns to dust so soon, but life is not what you expect it to be.

I thought after reasonable years of waiting i would meet a nice guy, and walk in the sunset with him. But, life had grand plans for me. It took me to a new place on the pretext of a love journey and instead left me all alone in the desert to carve my niche. I won’t give up.After all life is once, and i will make the most of it. If anything i have stories of love, betrayal, longing, hardships, friendships in my life that just makes it a life well lived, not just something to be read in books…

Well behaved women never made history, and I want to make history. I want to make my family be proud of their legacy. A family that for generations defied dowry, i would not be the one to turn the wheel back..i will strongly hold my head and move ahead …..if anything, i have better survival chances as i have stronger genes :)